What is a good dude?

A conversation I had a few weeks ago has stuck with me in a way that makes me know I have some growing to do in that area because the answer isn’t as cut and dried as my brain thinks it should be. The conversation was about a man who, in every way seen by the public, is a good dude. He is active in the community, is an excellent father, cares about others, helps out wherever he can, is deep into church.

He goes to work, does his job well and is inspiring.

That’s what we see. That’s what we KNOW. He’s a good dude. Good PEOPLE. HIGH COTTON COMPLIMENT.

So let’s introduce this good dude, who is single and available, to a single and available woman who is good people too.

Mix and let marinate.

Events which happened after made me really ponder, “What is a good dude?”

A question put to me was for me to consider one of my male besties.

Person: Do you think such-and-such is a good dude?

Me: Of course. He’s the best. My dude for life.

Them: What if you found out he was cheating on this wife…would YOU still think he’s a good dude? Do you think his wife would still think he’s a good dude? Is “good dude” subjective to the person who is being asked to quantify the sum of his whole?

Me: Leemelone. You play too much. I don’t like this question.

Because it’s true. I might be disappointed in one of my male besties for cheating on their wives but I’d still know them to be good dudes. They will still be great fathers, great neighbors, great community leaders, great activists, excellent providers, amazing sons, brothers, etc.

SIP: But the cheating tho…

I would be so hurt if one of my male besties cheated on their wives and I found out about it but I guess I’d still consider them a good dude.

SIP: Because they are good to you and OTHERS…but not to their wives.

Me: LEEMELONE! I DON’T LIKE THIS QUESTION!

So…the marinade.

The marinade came with tangles in other areas which needed to be unwound in order the “good dude” could be fully committed to the awesomeness that is the single woman. It seemed to be an easy process in the beginning but then…the process started to lag which would make one wonder. The good woman decided it wasn’t for her to sit around and wait for the “good dude” to come clean and be ready to be fully present.

Me: Aw man…but he’s such a good dude.

Them: But is he though? Is he really?

SIP: Same thing I’ve been asking.

Me: Maybe. Hell…I don’t know. I want the fairy tale version.

SIP: ‘Tis 2019. You’d better whip out a Disney DVD to get that version.

How much work should you put into a good dude who is lacking in a very important area? Good question, right? I know my peers are generally like me in this area and we are like “I don’t have time for that.” And honestly…who does? With work, kids, family, framily and friends, home maintenance, etc…who has time to help a grown man be great when he should already know since he comes with the label of “good dude.”

How many men do you know that you’d consider a “good dude” who has fathered children outside of their marriage? Who have cheated or done something else grimy who can be a “good dude” to others in their life? Is it a simple fix to just say…”He’s a good dude, but he sucks at personal relationships?” Is a caveat necessary?

SIP: Camille Cosby thinks Bill is a “good dude” and we know some women think R. Kelly is a good dude too. He is probably really good to his boys. This is the thing…sometimes men get a good dude pass by the people they’ve never screwed over. And yes…they’ve screwed over many. So yeah…maybe it is subjective which makes perfect sense since most things in life are.

Also…what if a dude is everything to his family ONLY and never helps others and doesn’t care about his community? Is HE a good dude? What boxes are necessary to be checked off to be considered a FOR TRUE “good dude?”

Have you ever had your heart broken by a “good dude?” Still think he’s good?

St. Augustine Grass

What I know about dating these days comes from my friends who are dating and man…a lot has changed.

Text messages.

Non-date dating.

Forever friend zones.

Talk/text all day. No communication at night.

Etc.

Etc.

And a lot hasn’t changed.

Mainly…you meet people where they are and people meet you where YOU are. They were attracted to what they saw and felt when they met you.

Now…if you’re in a good place, that’s mad cool. You’re happy and all smiley and healthy and you’re all awesome and shit just straight chilling. You love your family, they love you, you have good friends, your dog doesn’t have fleas. Your tires are good and your grass is green.

You also know what kinda grass it is. Fescue. Bermuda. St. Augustine. Zoysia. Whatever. You know what kinda grass it is and you keep it watered and fertilized. You feed it, keep it cut, etc.

And it’s green and beautiful and fabulous. Just awesome.

So if someone meets you there while your grass is all lush, that is going to be amazing for both of you.

But let them storms hit hard and rain and rain and rain. All that water will stack up into a flood and wash all your good topsoil away. Nothing good but weeds can take root and they are good for nothing. They hurt the remaining grass and choke the life out of it and if someone doesn’t put some major work into bringing it back to life…it will ruin everything it touches.

So yeah…if you are in that space…you need to chill because the people attracted to that person are going to be in a bad space too. Bruh…that’s a whole lot of weeds.

Be with the people who love you and who can help repair you and get back to where you know you need to be. You don’t need to do anything other than that. Just chill. Be still. Work on what you have to work on and then…life will, hopefully, follow the natural order and you will be able to meet someone where you are with your grass all green.

I say this because I love you.

Take care of your grass.

Don’t end up with someone attracted to who you were when you were at your worst.

Grass baby. Green, green grass. St. Augustine grass. Lush and shit.

"You Straight?"

“You straight?”

A male friend told me that the last woman he dated wanted to wear the pants. She was pretty successful and he’s just regular dude. I asked him what happened to the relationship and he said they stopped talking. When I pressed him, he admitted that he just started to do that dude thing and basically kinda ghosted her.

He will probably be super single forever.

Makes me wonder about the woman however and if she’s dating a man yet who understands that yes, even as she is very independent and can do anything on her own, she definitely wants to know the man she is dating CAN be there for her without money being an issue and there are simply so few men whose egos won’t get the best of them as it relates to a woman THEY perceive, doesn’t need them.

And today’s single women aren’t out here pretending to be broke down so Captain Save-A-Ho can roll up and rescue them because they know that only happens in the movies. So it’s on men. Men are going to have to figure out how to be value added in a woman’s life and honestly, there are lots of simple ways. Drop her off at the hair salon and take her car to get an oil change. Change the air filters in the house. Vacuum the stairs because you know the vacuum is heavy. LISTEN to her when she talks and when she asks for advice, give her well-thought out advice which makes her always strive to continue putting her best foot forward.

In other words…don’t be a dummy and don’t say anything because you refuse to acknowledge that you are insecure about how to deal with a woman who doesn’t technically need you.

But I didn’t say any of that. All I said was…

“Aiight man, you straight? I gotta go.”

The Perfect Marriage

“I want what you and Robby have.”

— Woman I Love

My husband and I have a pretty good marriage as it relates to what both of us consider makes up a good marriage.  There is no cheating and beating.  No being out and about all hours of the night without knowing exactly why, with whom and what for, no disrespect of any kind.  We support each other, take care of each other, cherish each other.  I love him and he loves me.  We are each other's TRUE best friend in that there is no other person on this earth that I can be around when I'm pissed with them and vice versa.

I do Christmas pretty big as I love it.  It was always my father's favorite holiday and he passed his love of it down to me.  And I go HARD.  LOL!

Last Christmas, I was sick during and after Christmas.  I didn't remember that until it was time to start decorating for THIS Christmas however.  I started getting things out to decorate and was startled to find things just jumbled up and thrown together in a haphazard fashion.  Lights all tangled up, faux flowers bunched up and crumpled, holiday textiles all wrinkled, bows with ornaments, wrapping paper with wreaths.  Just ALL.FUCKED.UP.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!  KILL ME THEFUCK NOW!

It took so long to decorate because I didn't know where shit was.  Storage containers weren't labeled correctly, couldn't find the gotdamn outdoor extension cords, the fucking timers STILL haven't been found.

STILL.

Now...notice how this post has dissolved into full-on cussing after all that sweet shit up yonder?  Yup.  That's marriage, bruh.

Robby put Christmas away last year.  The Robby way.  Which is to just get the shit done in as little time as possible.  Just shove shit in where there is room, put the lid on it and stack the shit.  Cussing the entire time cuz, "DAMMIT, MONNIE, WE GOT TOO MUCH CHRISTMAS SHIT!  WHY THE FUCK WE NEED ALL THESE DAMN SANTA CLAUSES?  DO WE REALLY NEED TO KEEP THIS DAMN BOX?  THIS SHIT IS RIDICULOUS!"

So this year, Christmas was put away meticulously.  All containers were emptied and then organized and arranged in a manner which made perfect sense.  Decor for this tree in this container.  Decor for the next tree in the next container.  Lights rolled neatly and put individually into gallon sized Ziploc bags.  Bows with wrapping paper, ribbon, tags, tissue and gift bags.  Heavy stuff in the containers with wheels, outdoor decor in the clear containers so I can see them since I tend to do outside first.

I then stacked them neatly in the dining room and swept up the pine needles, glitter and random red sugared berries that fell off something.  Ready for my loving husband to put them back in the attic.

And they sat in there.

And sat in there.

And sat in there.

Until I no longer asked sweetly when would be a good time to put them away.  Until I had to stop, harden my voice and make a STATEMENT as to what needed to happen to them before the weekend was out.

And he went to play golf and came home without having a beer at the clubhouse because, "I knew I had chores to do."  And we put them away.  Neatly.  Organized properly. 

Today.

JANUARY 21ST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Almost a full month after Christmas.

There was, surprisingly, no cussing involved.  We simply did what we needed to do to get it done and now, he is showered and eating lunch upstairs in his football watching room, watching football.  

No shitting you...he has passed by me twice and given me a loving kiss and thanked me for cooking lunch.  Nothing at all out of the ordinary.  We just completed a mission and BAAAAAAAAAAAABY...he did that!

And I will probably bake some cookies or something later because I haven't baked anything since before Christmas and I know he loves warm cookies.

Tomorrow is a whole other day filled with cussing possibilities.  Yup.

My husband and I are real with each other.  We don't pretend to be that perfect couple in front of people.  If cussing seems to be necessary...then cussing will happen. People who know us know to just look away.  No need to leave the room.  For what?  It's about to be over.  Just look away.

If I did something I shouldn't have done...he is the first person to be like...you know you were wrong for that right?  Right.  If I pass by his office when he's having a contentious conversation with someone, later on I'm like..."Did you feel like you handled that properly?" And, even though he will probably initially say, "YES!", later on he'll think about why I questioned him and consider it thoughtfully.  We work well for each other's conscious.  Thank God.  

When young people talk about marriage, I'm often surprised at how magical they think it's going to be.  Disney birds and shit.  No disagreements.  Ever.  And...if so...it's over.

Oh.

Women get a bad rap/rep when it comes to fairytales and relationships because I find that some of the most gregarious offenders of that belief are men.  Men seem to think that a woman is supposed to serve them, keep the house pristine, go to work and make money and take care of all the things the kids need after the woman has carried the child for 9 whole months doing the work of bringing the life they made together into the world.  

For the past two weeks or so?  We've been getting dressed out of the guest bedroom where all the clean clothes are piled on top of the bed.  What?  That's what that room is for when there are no guests on the horizon, right?  TRUST ME THAT THIS IS THE CASE IN HOUSEHOLDS ALL OVER THE WORLD. And if it ain't that way in your house...so.  Do you!  LOL!

“Male framily: What’s that beeping?
Me: The oven. Robby is on his way home and I like dinner to be hot when he gets here.
Male framily: You a good wife.
Me: It’s easy to be a good wife when you have a good husband. My schedule is largely my own. He doesn’t EXPECT dinner to be ready when he gets home and, after all these years, he still appreciates that it is. But...if he came home and I suggested he make us grill cheese sandwiches for dinner while we watch a movie on the sofa...guess what we’d be having?””

“Male Friend: I’m the man of the house. My wife needs to do what I say do!
Me: You her husband. NOT her father. And, truth be told, even if you were her father, who says you can’t learn something from someone younger than you from time-to-time?”

“Woman: A man need to be able to afford me!
SIP: Chile...YOU can’t afford you or what YOU think you should have access to.”

“Woman: There’s no spark. He so square. He wears mom jeans.
SIP: Oh. Okay.”

I said all that to say...people got some shit with them that they take into relationships.  Unreasonable shit.  Fairytale shit.  And...a lot of them have never witnessed a successful marriage of any kind so they don't know what to look for.  Some women will tell other women that all men cheat.  Why?  Because all the men THEY have dealt with have cheated so they lump their experiences in with their determination that all men must cheat just because all men have cheated on them.

SIP:  Sounds like you have a type.

People don't like to hear stuff like that.  They don't like to think that perhaps their relationship problems are solely THEIR problems.  They need a brush stroke to justify it.  And...if it's not happening...the marriage must be PERFECT.

Some of the nastiest breakups I've ever seen have to do with money.  And not how you're thinking either.  A woman meets a man.  She's not all that attracted to him.  The man ain't stupid...he knows she's out of his physical looking league.  So...he buys her stuff.  She knows how to hint and hint well.  And he picks up on the hints knowing FULL WELL what game they are playing and buys her what she's hinting at.  Or...pays for what she wants paid for.  But see...for men...money is personal.  If he's spending money...it ain't cuz he's a nice guy.  He's putting deposits on shit she thinks she will be able to ration.

Giggle.

That shit always goes left.  Why, if you've made the relationship about money, are you EVER surprised if he starts thinking of you as someone who will exchange sex for things?  Shouldn't be a surprise there.  You drew that diagram.

Men...if you're pimping a woman you know you're not interested in for money and Kingly treatment while you wine and dine the hotel desk clerk on your business trip...why are you ever surprised that she snapped and went CLEAN-T.THE.FUG.OFF?  That woman has invested in you and now the stock market has crashed and she's out of the game like Bernie Madoff with ZERO RETURNS ON HER INVESTMENT.  She wasn't crazy when you met her.  She behaved accordingly once she realized she'd been played by your azz.  You need to take whatever is coming and yeah...she might try and cut you if you've shamed her in front of people who respect her.

This shit ain't new.  Folks got some fugged up azz thoughts on what a relationship is supposed to be.  Folks got this all twisted.

There are no perfect people.

There are no perfect marriages.

What we have is simply love and respect.  All else could be suspect based on who is looking in.  It might be odd as hell to you to hear some MF's slung around this motherfucker one minute and find us on the sofa reading the same article laughing our azzes off the next.  

To you...that might be some schizophrenic crazy shit.  To us?  That's just us and yes...we are STILL perfect for each other with our imperfect, bat-shat-crazy azzes.

Yall keep waiting for perfect ya hear?  That's going to be a long, lonely, confusing road to stay the course on with a whole lot of random azz people you gotta keep starting over with.  Marriage ain't supposed to be perfect but you're supposed to learn each other better daily until you are to the point where you consider each other before you do anything.  Will this hurt him/her or us?  Should I discuss this with him/her first?  Will this disappoint him/her?  

Yup.  That's marriage.  And yes...it can get janky quickly if you have jerk tendencies.

Marriage...What's it worth to you?

I hear a lot about unhappily married people.  And what I don't hear, I can read between the lines and make an educated guess about even though I know I'll never know for sure if my guess was correct or not.

A friend posted that meme on Facebook and I'm hoping the woman pictured told him no because there is nothing joyous in her face about this proposal at all.  This is a sign of even more misery to come.  See...being proposed to should bring about some happiness right?  And it looks like she is seriously contemplating some ish he did recently that makes her second guess her love for him and vice versa.

This reminds me of that video by Tyrese with Taraji in it where he did all kinds of miscreant nonsense he is apologizing to her for doing and only when she was packed up to leave him with their SCHOOL AGE child, did he fall to his knee and propose in a last ditch effort to keep her.  Proposing shouldn't be a last ditch effort.  It should be what you've been building towards as a couple.  It should have been clearly stated that both of you are interested in being married one day.  And both of you should have been acting like that's what you were working towards by respecting the relationship and each other.

If dude has ever, at any time, told you that he's not getting married, don't expect him to pop the question and make you officially his partner in life.  Don't think, for an instant that he will change no matter how much yall have been through.  He has already told you where he stands on marriage so if you want to get married...he might not be the one.

Now, of course, we've all heard of the couple where the man was adamant that he wasn't getting married but she gave him an ultimatum and he broke down and did it.  To that I say...um...really?  You're good with having to DEMAND he do what a man should WANT to do?  With the natural progression of being a mature adult?  Of being the man of your household?  

I know you probably imagine a wonderful loving life as a wife and his missing rib but do you really think that a man who doesn't respect the institution of marriage is going to change if you force him to marry you?

The look on old girl's face is saying a whole lot of how she feels in her heart.  She's not happy.  She's been hurt.  She doesn't want to embarrass him and she wishes it were the real, genuine deal she's dreamed about...but she knows she won't have the marriage she wants with this guy.

But she will probably say yes and be in a marriage in name only as the spirit of the union will be lost in his continued behavior.  The kind of man who never grows up and is simply a pubescent child in a man's body with all the nonsense that comes along with that.

Take your time, don't put up with any bullshit because once you do...the bullshit will keep coming since there were no severe repercussions the last time you were presented with the bullshit. 

You'd be much happier on your own living in peace of your own making.  I know lots of women who are happy, well traveled and loving life.  Life is the longest thing you'll do.  Don't let a fool make it miserable.

Cherished: It's Our 10th Anniversary!

A decade ago tomorrow, my mommy's birthday, I married the one true love of my life.  Tonight, I'm writing this sitting on the sofa with him watching an episode of "Bloodlines" and eating some of the chocolates that he brought home today.  Many of our nights are spent exactly like this.  Just he and I, quietly enjoying our evening and each other's company.  

There is not a lot I admire about my husband that I haven't shared with those of you who read this blog.  He's pretty much the world's most decent person.  He's smart, loving, gentle, caring, fun, funny and mine, mine, all mine.  This dude is truly my favorite person.  He is the one I dreamed of.

I don't have many worries in life because I know if he gets wind of it he'll fix it.  I might not be 100% crazy about HOW he fixed it, mind you...but he'll fix it.  LOL!  Being married for a decade means we've had our share of ups and downs.  We've had hurts and disappointments and hit some bumps along the road.  We've grown stronger because of those and we relish in the great times together.  The first person I want to share my good news with is him and vice versa.  He's the dude who walks around my truck, kicks my tires and adds air if necessary.  He's overprotective of not only me but of those we love and he always wants the best for everyone.  

Our marriage isn't argument free.  It's not a fairy tale by any means.  It's a bond.  A solid bond made before God to love, honor and cherish each other.  And we spoil each other rotten.

We really wanted kids but it didn't happen for us and now we only have each other to dote on.  So we do.  Daily.  

10 years ago I married a man I was deeply and madly in love with.

10 years later I can still say I'm married to the man I'm deeply and madly in love with.

He is my every.single.thing.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MY LOVE!  You make it all worthwhile.  

I will love, honor and cherish you for a lifetime,

Monnie

P.S.  The modern gift is DIAMONDS.  Me likey DIAMONDS.  LOL!

From My Inbox: Do you leave the house without telling your spouse?

Question: If you are married, can you/do you leave your house without letting your spouse know where you are going? And expect that they not ask?

Fug 'em!

I can't tell you enough how to not worry about people who aren't worth worrying about.  Every second you spend on them is taking away from you being the light you need to be.  

FUCK.

THEM.

Do you.

And smile because you're genuinely happy.  If you're not happy...don't smile.  That fake ish is for the birds.  Tweet...tweet!

Compromising in a Relationship

A framily member and I were discussing happy marriages and compromising.  Curious as to what some of you think of a particular scenario.

Being happily married means that both people feel like they always consider the other during times when compromise is necessary but...what if there is no clear compromise for one person?  What if the only thing that will make one person happy completely goes against what the other person wants?  How does that resolve itself in your opinion?  I mean sure...you'd want your spouse to be happy but never at the cost of you being unhappy right?

For example...

Someone wanted to build a house the size of a castle.

Their spouse did not.

They built the house the size of a castle.

Three years later, the castle was up for sale because they were getting a divorce.

They were getting a divorce because the spouse hated the house and that what they wanted was never taken into consideration while building the house.  And the cost of the house was so far outside of what they knew they could afford but the one spouse felt they could never say anything or the other spouse would be unhappy.

So yeah...that never really worked itself out.

Is it honestly selfish to really just want what you want because if you compromise you'll never truly get what you want?  

Sexy Question...

What have you been told by men that they find sexy?