I didn't know how I'd feel today. I thought elated you know? Like...I 'd finally finished something important in my life. Closed a loop that needed to be closed. Not like having tickets that I haven't paid for no other reason than I just didn't take the time...more like...I was an adult for the first time in my life doing what adults do. Closing loops, following through. Not sitting back knowing what I have to do and not moving. Not, not...taking a stand and making a concerted effort at this thing called adulthood and life.
When I pulled up at the mailbox after work today I knew they would be there. I'd been warned and, I didn't check the mail yesterday intentionally in a relapse kinda way. Relapsing back into who I've always been but only for a day.
I sat in the car for a few minutes and just looked at the house. I never got around to planting those bulbs before the first frost so the tulips I envisioned I'd have this Spring weren't coming. The tips of the leaves of the crocuses and hyacinths emerging from the ground around the tree usually made me smile. Not today.
My house looked neglected. Not...in an unkempt kinda way mind you...but more of a house that is incomplete.
And I guess that's a good way to describe it even as of today I own it outright. Free and clear of the bank.
When I walked in today I put the mail on the table in the foyer. That table always made me smile. Hand carved legs. Gorgeous curves. The elegant bowl on top perfectly cradled the envelopes and catalogs and flyers.
I walked straight to the back of the first floor and opened the French doors leading to the back yard. My most favorite thing about this house. I walked outside and laid down on the outdoor chaise in my work suit and I stayed there until the chill of the air sent me inside. Once inside I poured myself a drink and retrieved the mail saving it for last.
And when I opened it...I cried.
And now? I'm in bed. Alone. Still crying.
I have to stop because I have to keep going. I have to live.
And I have to get up and go to work tomorrow.
Life doesn't stop because your heart wants to.
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