When I looked up and saw you my heart skipped a beat. Not for the reasons you'll probably tell everyone, but because I've dreamed of this moment for years now...the moment you'd see me and realize you didn't break me.

And realized you didn't break me.

I looked good because I always do, always did...regardless of what you said.

You tried to break me and you know you did.

I've often wondered why. Why would you treat my heart so?

I was so in love with you then I didn't see it. I didn't see the hate you had for your mother and how she treated you during your childhood. I didn't see it because you pretended to love her so much. You did everything she asked of you suffering in silence, pretending to be the Cosby's because the truth was so many years ago that maybe the years wiped the slate clean.

It didn't.

I realized you were never alone with her. I realized your disdain for her when speaking of her to me WAS HOW YOU REALLY FELT.

I realized how jealous you were of my family...of my life. Of the fact that we were the normal. That my father loved my mother. That he loved us. That he went to work and came home. That he didn't kick our asses.

Like your father did.

AFTER your mother left him.

AFTER she left you WITH him.

It wasn't your fault.

It wasn't my fault either.

My hair was beautiful, as it always was. Gleaming dreads, natural. Gorgeous. Not ugly and nappy. You know...like you used to call them.

My legs, strong. Still. In lovely heels and a FABULOUS skirt. A little extra than you liked according to your snark. But strong and smooth, shapely. My waist, defined. My breasts...happy.

Happy to see you, and you, and you, and you.

And DAMN did I smell good.

I longed to see you so many times. Out of pain, out of remorse, out of loneliness, out of vengeance, out of spite.

And now...

Out of pity.

Looks like no one takes care of you. Looks like no one cares.

I look like someone takes care of me. I look like someone cares.

Today when I saw you...my heart skipped a beat out of gratitude to God above because you dumped me. Because you forced me to see your lack of love for me. Because you rubbed my face in my sheltered life like it was bad...like yours was better.

Yes it was painful. Some days...I thought I couldn't, wouldn't be able to go on. But I did. My daddy and my brothers packed me up. My mother cooked my favorite foods. My family helped me then...

As they do now.

My daddy will walk me down the aisle.

My mother helped plan my wedding.

My friends, who were NEVER jealous of me because of you, will stand beside me as I pledge myself to him.

Him.

A man like my daddy.

It wasn't your fault.

It was my own.

- See more at: http://creoleindc.typepad.com/rantings_of_a_creole_prin/author_monica_mingo/#sthash.zd5tOTz0.dpuf