From My Inbox: Screw Them Voices, Yo!

I received this message on Facebook the other day:

Hi Monica! We have never met but I’ve followed your blog for a few years now. I use to live for your blogs/videos about natural beauty/hair care, cooking, housekeeping, fitness and confidence. I know there are a lot of similar blogs out there but yours really connected to me in so many ways. You are awesomely fabulous!

I sometimes wish I can ask you how you do it all. I’m turning 40 this week and although I’m so grateful and happy for so much in my life there are few things I really need to conquer. I feel my biggest set back is the noise in my head, the mental clutter, the self dialogue. Can you please preach to me about how you overcome that to be more productive and active in your daily life? What kind of affirmation motivate and keep you on track?

I completely understand if this is too personal to answer.

Best Regards,


So I tipped over to D's page and clicked around a bit before responding...

Why in the world would it be too personal to answer???????????
Imma fight you.
First things first...gimme them babies.
You will always have the power to be your own worst enemy so it’s something you need to seriously work on if that voice inside your head is negative.
And...why should it ever be negative?
You’re smart, beautiful, fun and funny.
Looks like you have a lovely family.
Focus on all the good things, all the time.
I was abused as a child. Big time.
I heard some really ugly things.
As a child.
I look at who I am despite all of that and I know deep down in my heart that I’m a good person in all the areas where it counts.
And THAT is what I use to silence the negative shit that can rattle around in my head sometimes.
I get up sometimes and I think some ugly shit.
And then I shoot that shit down.
I am a good person. I live my life to be of service when I can. I do no harm. I take no shit. Why? BECAUSE I AM A SURVIVOR. I AM THE SHIT.
If you want to compare yourself to crazy stuff think of all the people stuck in their negative circumstances and that’s not you.

The conversation went back and forth for a bit with my reminding her to not be a martyr and how martyrs have wrinkles and shit and she's too cute for all that and telling her that she should hire a housekeeper if she can afford it because nobody with kids should have to clean their own home if they can afford to outsource that job.

See...I struggle with why people talk so much crazy shit to themselves.  You'd never say the stuff you say to yourself to someone else so why, knowing the power of loving yourself...would  you ever say it to you?  If someone walked up on you and said some of that ugly ish to your face that you have rattling around in your head, I have no doubt you'd launch at them trying to take them out so turn that same energy into beating that negative voice out, back and down.  You don't have to deal with that shit.  Nobody has to.

You need to be who you need.  It's always been YOU.

From My Inbox:

Hi Monica,

Hope you are doing well and had a nice holiday. I am an off-and-on reader of your blog for many years now and have sent a few things for consideration by the tribe. I’ve always found their feedback helpful. So here is the latest that I’m struggling with. If you’d like to post it, please do.

My sister-in-law has been with my brother for over 10 years, but only married for a few years. They have two young children. She has always been nice and a part of the family. That is, until she had kids. Once she had kids she became controlling, overbearing and often downright bitchy. She is overprotective and could be the poster child for helicopter parents.

How she raises her kids is her business, but the fact that none of their aunts, uncles or grandparents were able to bond with them because we could never get near them, that’s where the problem comes in.

As I’m writing this I am already hearing people’s reaction that it is her business how she raises her children, but it hurts. These are years in their lives that we will never get back.

Another part of it is that my own kids are slightly older, and she acts like her kids need protecting from mine. Of course you need to protect your baby, but trust me when I tell you my 3-year-old is just playing, not trying to hurt your son. She said that when kids come over to her house to play, there are rules. She won’t tell me what the rules are though. Chances are, my kids will break them. And I can’t help but wonder, if they come to play at my house, is it my rules then? Or still hers?

In my opinion when other kids and parents are around you be respectful of how they do things, and you use common sense. Share, be polite, don’t break things, clean up after yourself, those kinds of things.

I avoid being around her if possible and walk on eggshells when I am. I’d love my kids to grow up knowing their cousins, but I’m struggling to get past this. She has, in the past, disciplined my kids for things that she felt they were doing wrong, but that I was okay with. In fact, everyone except her was okay with it. My son grabbed a toy from her son. Her son went about his business and picked up another toy. This happened a few times and when I didn’t step in, she did.

If it had been something serious, potentially harmful or dangerous, of course I would have stepped in. My approach is to let kids play and work these things out themselves.

I guess I am looking for others’ experiences and advice on how to deal with this. She is family so she isn’t going anywhere.

Thanks so much!

From My Inbox

So I’m in Nashville for an away rotation at Vanderbilt, and I’m staying with one of their grad students I found through the student classifieds. He’s a nice enough white guy, super quiet and soft spoken, no issues in the week I’ve been here. I’ve also been gone a lot, working quite a bit at the hospital. Today was my first off day and this morning was the first morning I had to really see the house in daylight (I’m gone from 6am-8pm). Well, while rummaging through his cabinets for a coffee mug, looking forward to finally having some time to brew my favorite Guatemalan coffee and read a novel before church, I had a hard time finding a mug that wasn’t emblazoned with the Confederate flag.

*record scratch* uh say wha?

My prickly senses heightened, and have been so all day. I’ve lived with a white person before, but he was super liberal, from California. We may have not had many words for each other, but there was a mutual respect. We were cool. To be sharing a roof with a racist is a whole new ball game that I’m not prepared for. We got a lot of Tribe members in the South so my question is: Is the Confederate flag //really// racist, or just a symbol of Southern pride? I mean really? I found some really good points here. (I’ve clearly been thinking about this all day)

From My Inbox: Potty Training

Hey!  Yall are using the inbox!  That was super cool! goes the first question from the new inbox!  GO US!

I have a soon to be three year old daughter and it has been impossible to potty train her. I know there are a lot of parents that read this blog and I could use some tips of what to do and what not to do.