What is a good dude?

A conversation I had a few weeks ago has stuck with me in a way that makes me know I have some growing to do in that area because the answer isn’t as cut and dried as my brain thinks it should be. The conversation was about a man who, in every way seen by the public, is a good dude. He is active in the community, is an excellent father, cares about others, helps out wherever he can, is deep into church.

He goes to work, does his job well and is inspiring.

That’s what we see. That’s what we KNOW. He’s a good dude. Good PEOPLE. HIGH COTTON COMPLIMENT.

So let’s introduce this good dude, who is single and available, to a single and available woman who is good people too.

Mix and let marinate.

Events which happened after made me really ponder, “What is a good dude?”

A question put to me was for me to consider one of my male besties.

Person: Do you think such-and-such is a good dude?

Me: Of course. He’s the best. My dude for life.

Them: What if you found out he was cheating on this wife…would YOU still think he’s a good dude? Do you think his wife would still think he’s a good dude? Is “good dude” subjective to the person who is being asked to quantify the sum of his whole?

Me: Leemelone. You play too much. I don’t like this question.

Because it’s true. I might be disappointed in one of my male besties for cheating on their wives but I’d still know them to be good dudes. They will still be great fathers, great neighbors, great community leaders, great activists, excellent providers, amazing sons, brothers, etc.

SIP: But the cheating tho…

I would be so hurt if one of my male besties cheated on their wives and I found out about it but I guess I’d still consider them a good dude.

SIP: Because they are good to you and OTHERS…but not to their wives.

Me: LEEMELONE! I DON’T LIKE THIS QUESTION!

So…the marinade.

The marinade came with tangles in other areas which needed to be unwound in order the “good dude” could be fully committed to the awesomeness that is the single woman. It seemed to be an easy process in the beginning but then…the process started to lag which would make one wonder. The good woman decided it wasn’t for her to sit around and wait for the “good dude” to come clean and be ready to be fully present.

Me: Aw man…but he’s such a good dude.

Them: But is he though? Is he really?

SIP: Same thing I’ve been asking.

Me: Maybe. Hell…I don’t know. I want the fairy tale version.

SIP: ‘Tis 2019. You’d better whip out a Disney DVD to get that version.

How much work should you put into a good dude who is lacking in a very important area? Good question, right? I know my peers are generally like me in this area and we are like “I don’t have time for that.” And honestly…who does? With work, kids, family, framily and friends, home maintenance, etc…who has time to help a grown man be great when he should already know since he comes with the label of “good dude.”

How many men do you know that you’d consider a “good dude” who has fathered children outside of their marriage? Who have cheated or done something else grimy who can be a “good dude” to others in their life? Is it a simple fix to just say…”He’s a good dude, but he sucks at personal relationships?” Is a caveat necessary?

SIP: Camille Cosby thinks Bill is a “good dude” and we know some women think R. Kelly is a good dude too. He is probably really good to his boys. This is the thing…sometimes men get a good dude pass by the people they’ve never screwed over. And yes…they’ve screwed over many. So yeah…maybe it is subjective which makes perfect sense since most things in life are.

Also…what if a dude is everything to his family ONLY and never helps others and doesn’t care about his community? Is HE a good dude? What boxes are necessary to be checked off to be considered a FOR TRUE “good dude?”

Have you ever had your heart broken by a “good dude?” Still think he’s good?

St. Augustine Grass

What I know about dating these days comes from my friends who are dating and man…a lot has changed.

Text messages.

Non-date dating.

Forever friend zones.

Talk/text all day. No communication at night.

Etc.

Etc.

And a lot hasn’t changed.

Mainly…you meet people where they are and people meet you where YOU are. They were attracted to what they saw and felt when they met you.

Now…if you’re in a good place, that’s mad cool. You’re happy and all smiley and healthy and you’re all awesome and shit just straight chilling. You love your family, they love you, you have good friends, your dog doesn’t have fleas. Your tires are good and your grass is green.

You also know what kinda grass it is. Fescue. Bermuda. St. Augustine. Zoysia. Whatever. You know what kinda grass it is and you keep it watered and fertilized. You feed it, keep it cut, etc.

And it’s green and beautiful and fabulous. Just awesome.

So if someone meets you there while your grass is all lush, that is going to be amazing for both of you.

But let them storms hit hard and rain and rain and rain. All that water will stack up into a flood and wash all your good topsoil away. Nothing good but weeds can take root and they are good for nothing. They hurt the remaining grass and choke the life out of it and if someone doesn’t put some major work into bringing it back to life…it will ruin everything it touches.

So yeah…if you are in that space…you need to chill because the people attracted to that person are going to be in a bad space too. Bruh…that’s a whole lot of weeds.

Be with the people who love you and who can help repair you and get back to where you know you need to be. You don’t need to do anything other than that. Just chill. Be still. Work on what you have to work on and then…life will, hopefully, follow the natural order and you will be able to meet someone where you are with your grass all green.

I say this because I love you.

Take care of your grass.

Don’t end up with someone attracted to who you were when you were at your worst.

Grass baby. Green, green grass. St. Augustine grass. Lush and shit.

"You Straight?"

“You straight?”

A male friend told me that the last woman he dated wanted to wear the pants. She was pretty successful and he’s just regular dude. I asked him what happened to the relationship and he said they stopped talking. When I pressed him, he admitted that he just started to do that dude thing and basically kinda ghosted her.

He will probably be super single forever.

Makes me wonder about the woman however and if she’s dating a man yet who understands that yes, even as she is very independent and can do anything on her own, she definitely wants to know the man she is dating CAN be there for her without money being an issue and there are simply so few men whose egos won’t get the best of them as it relates to a woman THEY perceive, doesn’t need them.

And today’s single women aren’t out here pretending to be broke down so Captain Save-A-Ho can roll up and rescue them because they know that only happens in the movies. So it’s on men. Men are going to have to figure out how to be value added in a woman’s life and honestly, there are lots of simple ways. Drop her off at the hair salon and take her car to get an oil change. Change the air filters in the house. Vacuum the stairs because you know the vacuum is heavy. LISTEN to her when she talks and when she asks for advice, give her well-thought out advice which makes her always strive to continue putting her best foot forward.

In other words…don’t be a dummy and don’t say anything because you refuse to acknowledge that you are insecure about how to deal with a woman who doesn’t technically need you.

But I didn’t say any of that. All I said was…

“Aiight man, you straight? I gotta go.”

"Compound" - Completed Book Available on Amazon!!!!!

Compound follows five strangers as they are each given a deed to a luxury beach home, a title to a new car and a cashier’s check for one million dollars with promises of more to come.

Golden hasn’t had the best life, yet is as loving and trusting as a puppy. She’s unemployed and tanking financially while waiting for her fiancé to return and help save her family home from foreclosure, marry her and start a family. When she’s contacted by the lawyer representing an anonymous benefactor, she attributes the windfall to the grace of God. When the lawyer also informs her that her fiancé is living with another woman and has a baby on the way, the blow knocks her sideways.

Golden warms up slowly to her neighbors at The Pointe, the luxury beach community where her new vacation home is located. They start working out together, sharing intimate secrets, having regular dinners and forming close bonds that celebrate each other and their differences. The enjoyment of their beach summer is rocked by one explosive, climactic event leaving someone dead, many confused and all conflicted once they discover the reason they have been brought together. 

We’ve all been hurt a multitude of times and most things too good to be true generally are, but what if they are given in secret to right past wrongs? What if the worst of your life was evaluated and payment was made to soften all those blows? But payment from whom? For what ills? And what consequences does accepting payment bring?

So, the book, "Compound," that's been in my brain for so long is now complete and available on Amazon!  I hope you read it and enjoy it!  I've been getting some great feedback from readers and it makes me laugh knowing how much they are connecting to the characters.  LOL!  I'm like...BE NICE TO GOLDEN, SHE'S BEEN THROUGH A LOT!!!!  LOLOLOLOL!  

If you read it, please give it a review!  Oh...and yes...part two is in the making!  WHOOOOOHOOOOO!