Isolation. Anxiety. Depression. Pandemic.

It's a beautiful day here. I see it from my bedroom window. The sun is out, everything is spring fresh green.

And I can't get out of bed.

Later and later it seems that I get up and I can't shake it. I just have no desire to move.

There weren't a lot of places I went anyway but not being able to do even the minimal I did has really hit me where it hurts me the most. In my brain. Where the darkness of chronic depression is always lurking.

I only watch the news for an hour a day but I am plugged in online with extremely informed friends so I still see the dumb shit. I still see that dude lying. I still see that dude proving with his own words and actions how unfit he is to lead. I still see him saying shit like the metrics he uses are in his brain. I still see him make kingly claims.

You can't get away from that shit. And people are dying. People I know, loved ones of people I know, friends of friends. People died from enjoying life at Mardi Gras. People I was around. People I smiled at, passed by, shared a laugh with because that's how we do because there are no strangers at Mardi Gras.

And the shit would make anyone feel smaller, diminished even…and here I am with my chronic shit that I work hard at fighting daily just crumbling. Bit by bit. Finding choosing happy difficult as fuck to accomplish.

My family got hit by this early and we were all terrified of the outcome for one of our most beloved. Then the relief came with knowledge of their surviving it and we were all grateful that we were able to have our needs met and stay safe at home. But now? Now all I can think about are all of the people who are home hungry or having to leave their home to make sure the basic needs of our country are met. I think about the kids who only ate at school. About the people with addiction. About the already sick not having access to what they need. I think about the homeless, the shelters, the food banks and I get overwhelmed with anxiety.

In the beginning I joined Zoom this and that. I talkednon the phone more and video called more. Now? I can't.

And I think of all the people who suffer from depression worse than I do and I worry so much about them because Lord…this is so much. So very, very much.

I'm going to try to write my way out of this hell in my brain since nothing else seems to be working.

How are you holding up?