"...let us rejoice and be glad in Him."

My feelings about religion can be considered mired in memories too dark for the general public I believe.  My mother used to say/sing that all the time.  "This is the day the Lord has made...let us rejoice and be glad in Him."

And...depending on the mood my father was in, the day could be beautiful but often times...it was fucking fear filled horrible.

Sometimes I find myself sharing bits of my story with people who don't know me just to get a reaction out of them.  Just to show them that the shit they thought...can be shattered in an instant with the truth.

You can't hide and you shouldn't want to.  Who you are is who you are and...if you can't live solidly within your truth...then hell...you're just hurting yourself to get along and make someone else feel comfortable with YOUR truth.

Me Time

I woke up this morning and turned over slowly, kicking my right leg out to my husband’s side of the bed.  The sheets were cool since he’d been up more than an hour earlier and I stretched languidly.  The windows were open so I lay there quietly listening to the birds sing and Lucy’s, our elderly doggie, snore.  I smiled as I always do and thanked God for waking me gently and I said my morning prayers in perfect peace.

I tossed the covers off me after a few minutes and got out of the bed headed to the bathroom for my morning constitution and then returned to the bed for a few more minutes of quiet.  I turned my iPad on and scanned my emails stopping at the email from my producer and friend, Elvin, and then clicked out of email and went to the Facebook app to see what, if any, notifications I had. 

I guess if I was honest with myself I would say that I knew something was wrong long before I started looking for what was wrong.  I started feeling tired all the time and achy.  More than just getting older achy...but achy.  Like deep in the muscles.  I'd turn my head to the side and my neck would hurt all the way down to my leg.  It was strange. So strange that I knew something was wrong.  Something big you know...something that would change a lot.

And I wasn't really ready to change anything.

I started with random Google searches trying to describe exactly what I was feeling and all of the answers came back with results I wasn't ready to admit were a possibility.  So I continued to think of it as a random search.  Nothing I needed to worry about personally.

It was one of those days you know.  The kind where it's all still and muggy but with a breeze that was cool...moving the leaves in one direction all at once and then still.  The rain started in a light mist and it felt good against my skin so I didn't move.  I just sat there and when it started raining harder, I still sat there, glued it seemed...to the spot.  Trapped in my memories of what could have been.  Of what should have been.  It wasn't until the rain stopped that I started thinking about moving and even then the wind still blew rain on me.  A welcoming cool mist in the mugginess of it all.

"Whatever.  I don't care."

"I don't believe you."

"I don't care what you believe.  I can't give you the power to hurt me again."

He felt the hands on his body first.  The pats.  The soft brushes.  Then he heard the breath right above his face so he decided to open his eyes...just a bit...

The face above his was enormous since it was so close.  The eyes smiling.  A big bubble of drool hanging off the left side, stretching down into a thin line, just about to touch him and then...his son squealed and buried his head in his neck laughing.  Just happy to see him.

And he was so happy to see him too.

Sean pulled his son's little body as tight into him as he could kissing him while smoothing his curls.

He looked at the time on his cellphone and noted it was 6:15am.  They had to be somewhere at 9:00am and it was going to take them an hour to get there so he had to be up and out of there no later than 7:45am so they wouldn't be late.

It's all I can think about these days.  No matter what I'm doing I'm wondering.  Waiting.

I should just turn around and mace his azz good one day.  But I'm not.  Just trying to figure it out.  I wanna be cool.  Very cool.

See...this man has been following me.  I see him about every other day but I know he's there every day.  Now...that might alarm you but not me cuz I know who he is.  He works for my father.  Well...for the dude who got my mother pregnant at age 16.

How do I know who the dude is?  Because when I found out who my father was years ago, I was obsessed with reading everything online that I could find out about him and the dude I've been seeing is the same dude I've seen in pictures of my father for years.  He's always in the background.  Always just off to the side.  Eyes always on my father.

I guess he's like security or an assistant or something.

"So you trying to tell me that your sister is rich and shit."

"Man...who are you that I gotta lie to you?  Yeah she rich.  She be traveling all over the world and shit.  Send me pictures all the time from Dubai and shit.  She balling."

"Whatever man.  Why am I gonna believe that shit from you.  If your sister was rich...why you sleeping under this damn bridge with me?"

"She ain't me man.  Just that simple."

"She know you here?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I just need to know what he said about me.  If...if he ever talked about me."

"I don't really know how to answer that."

"What do you mean?  It's an easy question to answer."

"Not really.  I just lost my husband.  You just lost your father.  I didn't know you existed until just now so I figure my surprise at you showing up should tell you what he's said to me about you."

"Yeah...I guess."

"That was horrible I know.  I know.  That's why I didn't want to answer.  I didn't want to hurt you but I'm just so...so...shocked that you're here.  That you look just like him...but with hair."

He stood to the side waiting for her to show up.  He knew she was going to be there because he'd seen her RSVP yes on the eVite.

So yeah...he knew she'd be there.

He waited by the door glancing up at it every few seconds not wanting to miss her, knowing she'd make an entrance.

She always did.

He always watched her.

But tonight?  Tonight would be different.

"Yo my man!  My man!"  he yelled over Kanye's "All of the Lights."

"Good luck!  I've been standing here for fifteen minutes."

"I hope you're going to get a good drink after all that."

"A cosmopolitan."

"Aha!  A "Sex and the City" fan!"

"No I'm not.  That last movie was horrible."

"I'm not talking abou the movies.  Tell me you don't watch the show re-runs every chance you get?"

She packed. 

Quickly.

So quick she dropped half of what she wanted to take. 

Quickly but quietly.

So she could still hear.

She stepped over the memory.

Immune to the pain at this point just as he is immune to pain.

Of any kind.

I didn't know how I'd feel today.  I thought elated you know?  Like...I 'd finally finished something important in my life.  Closed a loop that needed to be closed.  Not like having tickets that I haven't paid for no other reason than I just didn't take the time...more like...I was an adult for the first time in my life doing what adults do.  Closing loops, following through.  Not sitting back knowing what I have to do and not moving.  Not, not...taking a stand and making a concerted effort at this thing called adulthood and life.

When I pulled up at the mailbox after work today I knew they would be there.  I'd been warned and, I didn't check the mail yesterday intentionally in a relapse kinda way.  Relapsing back into who I've always been but only for a day.

Why would she be in nursing school if she doesn't like blood?

Might as well clean that spot off my screen. 

Where'd I put that all purpose stuff from Windex?

Oooh...my fancy cloth for cleaning the computer...I think it's in my work bag.

Now where's that?

Oh yeah...downstairs.

Jaru looks so cute on the floor like that. 

It won't hurt to get on the floor with him and get some hugs.

"Ma...I'm coming on Sunday for church."

She listens on the phone.

"Ma...I just don't know what you're so worried about I told you I'm coming home on Sunday so I'll see you then.  It's just a cold ma.  I don't need you to come over just because I have a cold."

Pause.

"God!  Ma!  I have a cold.  Stop hovering over the phone!  There is a CVS on the corner and I'll get something.  There is no reason for you to..."

Pause.

She glanced over at the upper right hand corner of her computer to check the time. 9:57pm. Late. Yeah. Late. She clicked on the tab for her Facebook account and clicked 'Home' so she could glance at status messages for her friends and "friends."  Her email notification blinged and she clicked on it to find that she had a comment on her most recent picture that she'd taken this past weekend at a Halloween party.

Sexy Snow White.

Her costume was hot and skimpy showing off her curves and dips.

And every man who could see her profile was in her inbox telling her how hot she looked.

It's been a good game.  The course was the most perfect it's ever been and this weather is perfection indeed.  Fall is upon us and the coolness on the end of each breeze brought with it a sharpness that can't be denied.

He concentrated on the ball in front of him and then surveyed the sky determining the best route his ball should take to get it to where he wanted it to be.  This was the 18th hole and he'd been playing well all day.  His foursome had changed from a free for all into a cheering section for him.  Strangers all out for one thing.  Their personal best.

And in him...they'd found their hero for the day.

"Baby...wake up."

"Huh?  What?"

"Wake up.  You need to eat something."

"I'm not hungry."

"I know...but you need to eat something in case you don't eat all day while I'm gone."

She pulls herself up a bit and he puts a pillow behind her, kissing her on the forehead and he does so.

***This is a conversation I'm working on.  What do you think the two women look like?  How old do you think they are?  What do you think their relationship is?  Do you think it could be a mother and daughter?

"So...has he still been calling?"

"Yup."

"Have you talked to him?"

"Nope."

"Are you ever going to talk to him?"