There are lots of things I've missed out on not having my mother in my life during my adult years that I could have really, REALLY used. I've learned how to manoeuvre through life without her knowledge, however, and I continue to keep it moving. This new thing however??????????

I don't know how I'm going to get past it.

Men...check out now. This ain'tcha genre. You've been warned.

I've always had pretty basic Midol Weeks except for in the past when I've had a ruptured fibroid going on. I used to be able to basically set them by clockwork. They came ever 31 days and two days before I'd get PMS. Cranky boots. Tender boobs. Water retention. Backache. Salt cravings (Lays Plain potato chips), etc. I go about my business like all other women and make it do what it do. I used a period tracker when I was trying to get pregnant so I knew when I was ovulating even as I had very painful ovulations and knew exactly what was going on when it happened. After I wasn't trying anymore, I kinda let that go.

A few months ago I was feeling really, really weird and messed around and asked Mr. Google one too many questions and determined that I might have Lupus. It was two weeks after my regular Midol Week so it never occurred to me that it could be another Midol Week. So yeah...Lupus. I was seriously about to make a doctor's appointment when I had visual evidence that yeah...prolly not Lupus. But I was way confused because I thought I'd just had a cycle. I didn't know for sure since I wasn't tracking it but I thought so and I remembered other things like packing for a trip two weeks prior and having to take supplies so yeah...two weeks. I told a friend who laughed and laughed and laughed at my "lil 'bout of Lupus" turning out to be Midol Week.

Again.

Thirty-one days later...Midol Week started up and, TWO WEEKS AFTER THAT...another one. Now, at this point I'm thinking I must be crazy so I started using a new tracker: Clue

I like Clue. It's easy to deal with and figure out. BUT...Clue clearly thinks all this is crazy. Like...Clue is so confused. Clue is not here for this. Clue thinks I'm inputting incorrect information. LOL! Clue is about to delete itself from my phone for making a mockery out of the awesomeness it has been accustomed to being.

My doctor says there is nothing wrong and that this is all normal for a woman my age. Even when I shared with him that I get night sweats two nights before Midol Week no matter the length of that particular cycle so I know it's coming. He just stared at me blankly like..."Yeah...and? What do you want me to tell you?"

With these crazy cycles I'm a full, solid two pounds heavier than ever and, no matter what I do, I can't drop it until AFTER Midol Week is over completely. Because of this, I'm my normal size for basically three weeks every two months. LOL! On my frame...that's a lot. It definitely shows in my jeans and yoga pants. I get crazy migraines before and after and well, twice a month for a year was bearable but now it's like six ever two months and well...those extra migraines are a hot, fonky fried mess. I'm currently sitting here in shorts, a sports bra and a fleece jacket that I have zipped up. I had it open an hour ago and before that...I had it completely OFF. I used to only have to buy light and regular supplies. Now? Hand me them super doopers playa. My already tiny bladder has clearly shrunk by about 50% of volume. I can't drive from the house to Target without REALLY NEEDING TO GO TO THE BATHROOM WHEN I HIT TARGET!!!!!

Crazy talk.

I hadn't had any wine during Lent and had some this past weekend. The wine made me too hot. THE WINE MADE ME TOO HOT. That might end up being the death of me.

Oh...and during Midol Week, my ankles swell. Had me on a plane once thinking I was going to need compression socks.

And again...my doctor says it's all normal for a 46-year-old woman. He says some women go into perimenopause and stay there for a long time before it sorts itself out. He says that if it's unbearable he can give me some drugs that might help but I'm of the mind that I put enough drugs in my body when we were trying to have a baby so yeah...I'm good with sitting around with a fonky azz look on my face as long as I can sit alone, in the cold, without a lot of talking going on.

Things that used to not annoy me now VERY MUCH ANNOY ME. My people-ing skills now take significant prep time to be put on deck. And, more than ever, I truly only want to do what I want to do. I'm totally growing into one of those people who have a Zen garden with one of those rakes to make designs as meditation. The only time I'm at complete peace is when I'm playing with flowers or digging in the dirt or on the sofa with The Robinator and the doggies (but only if they are NOT on top of me if I'm hot).

I said all that to say...these are things you don't really talk about out loud with folks until it is something you're dealing with and then...with only a few folks mainly your mom. If she's not there...you gotta use another trusted source even as you know that everybody is different and will react to something this major...differently.

I'm totally going to do this without drugs because the side effects of the drugs used to treat these symptoms scare the plum piss outta me. One Elder scared me so bad...she got me planning to start running as she says that it's the only way to keep the weight around the middle off by sweating A LOT via exercise.

I hate sweating but hell...I sweat sometimes just sitting. LOL!

Now I understand the pink talcum powder puffs my mother and all her girlfriends had back in the day. Hell...I'm looking at Shaq in the Gold Bond powder commercials with a steely glint in my eye. I might need to incorporate some of that soon.

And I thought getting used to my gray hair was going to be the problem. UGH!

Yup...it's like that. These are the worst of times. Getting used to this new normal is going to take some doing. LOL! Yet another reason to keep my baby wipe hand strong.

T-Monnie...Not Your Mommy's Tee-Tee