"I Guess"

It's all I can think about these days.  No matter what I'm doing I'm wondering.  Waiting.

I should just turn around and mace his azz good one day.  But I'm not.  Just trying to figure it out.  I wanna be cool.  Very cool.

See...this man has been following me.  I see him about every other day but I know he's there every day.  Now...that might alarm you but not me cuz I know who he is.  He works for my father.  Well...for the dude who got my mother pregnant at age 16.

How do I know who the dude is?  Because when I found out who my father was years ago, I was obsessed with reading everything online that I could find out about him and the dude I've been seeing is the same dude I've seen in pictures of my father for years.  He's always in the background.  Always just off to the side.  Eyes always on my father.

I guess he's like security or an assistant or something.

I don't know and don't really think I care about his title...I'm just tired of him lurking like he's waiting for some magic moment before he approaches me.

I think it's so funny that I investigated them first and now they're investigating me.  Crazy funny really.

But I guess that's the way it goes when you're in the public eye.

Wait...and did I tell you he's gay?  My father that is.  Yup.  He's gay.  And that he owns a major clothing line?  Yup.  He does.  Dude is huge.  Huge.

Now...I don't want you to think that he hasn't done right by us because he kinda did.  When I was ten years old my mother started receiving huge, monthly checks that kept getting bigger and bigger.  We moved, got a good car and my mother got to go back to school.  She ended up getting her Ph.D. before she died which was her life long dream.  I got to go to an ivy league school and well, the checks kept coming.  I don't touch them, however...and that's probably why they're sniffing around me now.  The guilt checks not being cashed does nothing to absolve the guilt.  My mother has been gone now for 18 months.

And 18 very large checks are still in the envelopes sitting on the kitchen counter under the appliance roll top.

I don't have a plan.  I'm just being a bit defiant I suppose.  I want much more from him at this point I guess.

And money ain't it.

He has a sister and two nephews and a niece.  They work for the family business.  I guess they are the heir apparents.

Cuz he's gay.

And they don't know I exist.

Yeah...I guess.

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