The Perfect Marriage

I want what you and Robby have.
— Woman I Love

My husband and I have a pretty good marriage as it relates to what both of us consider makes up a good marriage.  There is no cheating and beating.  No being out and about all hours of the night without knowing exactly why, with whom and what for, no disrespect of any kind.  We support each other, take care of each other, cherish each other.  I love him and he loves me.  We are each other's TRUE best friend in that there is no other person on this earth that I can be around when I'm pissed with them and vice versa.


I do Christmas pretty big as I love it.  It was always my father's favorite holiday and he passed his love of it down to me.  And I go HARD.  LOL!

Last Christmas, I was sick during and after Christmas.  I didn't remember that until it was time to start decorating for THIS Christmas however.  I started getting things out to decorate and was startled to find things just jumbled up and thrown together in a haphazard fashion.  Lights all tangled up, faux flowers bunched up and crumpled, holiday textiles all wrinkled, bows with ornaments, wrapping paper with wreaths.  Just ALL.FUCKED.UP.


It took so long to decorate because I didn't know where shit was.  Storage containers weren't labeled correctly, couldn't find the gotdamn outdoor extension cords, the fucking timers STILL haven't been found.


Now...notice how this post has dissolved into full-on cussing after all that sweet shit up yonder?  Yup.  That's marriage, bruh.

Robby put Christmas away last year.  The Robby way.  Which is to just get the shit done in as little time as possible.  Just shove shit in where there is room, put the lid on it and stack the shit.  Cussing the entire time cuz, "DAMMIT, MONNIE, WE GOT TOO MUCH CHRISTMAS SHIT!  WHY THE FUCK WE NEED ALL THESE DAMN SANTA CLAUSES?  DO WE REALLY NEED TO KEEP THIS DAMN BOX?  THIS SHIT IS RIDICULOUS!"

So this year, Christmas was put away meticulously.  All containers were emptied and then organized and arranged in a manner which made perfect sense.  Decor for this tree in this container.  Decor for the next tree in the next container.  Lights rolled neatly and put individually into gallon sized Ziploc bags.  Bows with wrapping paper, ribbon, tags, tissue and gift bags.  Heavy stuff in the containers with wheels, outdoor decor in the clear containers so I can see them since I tend to do outside first.

I then stacked them neatly in the dining room and swept up the pine needles, glitter and random red sugared berries that fell off something.  Ready for my loving husband to put them back in the attic.

And they sat in there.

And sat in there.

And sat in there.

Until I no longer asked sweetly when would be a good time to put them away.  Until I had to stop, harden my voice and make a STATEMENT as to what needed to happen to them before the weekend was out.

And he went to play golf and came home without having a beer at the clubhouse because, "I knew I had chores to do."  And we put them away.  Neatly.  Organized properly. 


JANUARY 21ST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Almost a full month after Christmas.

There was, surprisingly, no cussing involved.  We simply did what we needed to do to get it done and now, he is showered and eating lunch upstairs in his football watching room, watching football.  

No shitting you...he has passed by me twice and given me a loving kiss and thanked me for cooking lunch.  Nothing at all out of the ordinary.  We just completed a mission and BAAAAAAAAAAAABY...he did that!

And I will probably bake some cookies or something later because I haven't baked anything since before Christmas and I know he loves warm cookies.

Tomorrow is a whole other day filled with cussing possibilities.  Yup.


My husband and I are real with each other.  We don't pretend to be that perfect couple in front of people.  If cussing seems to be necessary...then cussing will happen. People who know us know to just look away.  No need to leave the room.  For what?  It's about to be over.  Just look away.

If I did something I shouldn't have done...he is the first person to be know you were wrong for that right?  Right.  If I pass by his office when he's having a contentious conversation with someone, later on I'm like..."Did you feel like you handled that properly?" And, even though he will probably initially say, "YES!", later on he'll think about why I questioned him and consider it thoughtfully.  We work well for each other's conscious.  Thank God.  

When young people talk about marriage, I'm often surprised at how magical they think it's going to be.  Disney birds and shit.  No disagreements.  Ever.  And...if's over.


Women get a bad rap/rep when it comes to fairytales and relationships because I find that some of the most gregarious offenders of that belief are men.  Men seem to think that a woman is supposed to serve them, keep the house pristine, go to work and make money and take care of all the things the kids need after the woman has carried the child for 9 whole months doing the work of bringing the life they made together into the world.  

For the past two weeks or so?  We've been getting dressed out of the guest bedroom where all the clean clothes are piled on top of the bed.  What?  That's what that room is for when there are no guests on the horizon, right?  TRUST ME THAT THIS IS THE CASE IN HOUSEHOLDS ALL OVER THE WORLD. And if it ain't that way in your  Do you!  LOL!

Male framily: What’s that beeping?
Me: The oven. Robby is on his way home and I like dinner to be hot when he gets here.
Male framily: You a good wife.
Me: It’s easy to be a good wife when you have a good husband. My schedule is largely my own. He doesn’t EXPECT dinner to be ready when he gets home and, after all these years, he still appreciates that it is. But...if he came home and I suggested he make us grill cheese sandwiches for dinner while we watch a movie on the sofa...guess what we’d be having?”
Male Friend: I’m the man of the house. My wife needs to do what I say do!
Me: You her husband. NOT her father. And, truth be told, even if you were her father, who says you can’t learn something from someone younger than you from time-to-time?
Woman: A man need to be able to afford me!
SIP: Chile...YOU can’t afford you or what YOU think you should have access to.
Woman: There’s no spark. He so square. He wears mom jeans.
SIP: Oh. Okay.

I said all that to say...people got some shit with them that they take into relationships.  Unreasonable shit.  Fairytale shit.  And...a lot of them have never witnessed a successful marriage of any kind so they don't know what to look for.  Some women will tell other women that all men cheat.  Why?  Because all the men THEY have dealt with have cheated so they lump their experiences in with their determination that all men must cheat just because all men have cheated on them.

SIP:  Sounds like you have a type.

People don't like to hear stuff like that.  They don't like to think that perhaps their relationship problems are solely THEIR problems.  They need a brush stroke to justify it.  And...if it's not happening...the marriage must be PERFECT.

Some of the nastiest breakups I've ever seen have to do with money.  And not how you're thinking either.  A woman meets a man.  She's not all that attracted to him.  The man ain't stupid...he knows she's out of his physical looking league.  So...he buys her stuff.  She knows how to hint and hint well.  And he picks up on the hints knowing FULL WELL what game they are playing and buys her what she's hinting at.  Or...pays for what she wants paid for.  But see...for is personal.  If he's spending ain't cuz he's a nice guy.  He's putting deposits on shit she thinks she will be able to ration.


That shit always goes left.  Why, if you've made the relationship about money, are you EVER surprised if he starts thinking of you as someone who will exchange sex for things?  Shouldn't be a surprise there.  You drew that diagram.

Men...if you're pimping a woman you know you're not interested in for money and Kingly treatment while you wine and dine the hotel desk clerk on your business trip...why are you ever surprised that she snapped and went CLEAN-T.THE.FUG.OFF?  That woman has invested in you and now the stock market has crashed and she's out of the game like Bernie Madoff with ZERO RETURNS ON HER INVESTMENT.  She wasn't crazy when you met her.  She behaved accordingly once she realized she'd been played by your azz.  You need to take whatever is coming and yeah...she might try and cut you if you've shamed her in front of people who respect her.

This shit ain't new.  Folks got some fugged up azz thoughts on what a relationship is supposed to be.  Folks got this all twisted.

There are no perfect people.

There are no perfect marriages.

What we have is simply love and respect.  All else could be suspect based on who is looking in.  It might be odd as hell to you to hear some MF's slung around this motherfucker one minute and find us on the sofa reading the same article laughing our azzes off the next.  

To you...that might be some schizophrenic crazy shit.  To us?  That's just us and yes...we are STILL perfect for each other with our imperfect, bat-shat-crazy azzes.

Yall keep waiting for perfect ya hear?  That's going to be a long, lonely, confusing road to stay the course on with a whole lot of random azz people you gotta keep starting over with.  Marriage ain't supposed to be perfect but you're supposed to learn each other better daily until you are to the point where you consider each other before you do anything.  Will this hurt him/her or us?  Should I discuss this with him/her first?  Will this disappoint him/her?  

Yup.  That's marriage.  And can get janky quickly if you have jerk tendencies.